Now ... we're in the middle of a Mexican restaurant. In Ti's (I'm tired of typing his full name) mind, this whole situation is a big gray area. Ti is joking around with a child, not trying to harm him. The child knows this right? The child responds by telling him he would pee on him. But since we're in public this response must be a joke, right? The boy's mother is there and, on the off chance the child is serious, there's still no way he would risk a spanking to pee on a grown man. Any way Ti looks at it this scenario, it's far too gray to end with the boy peeing ... right?
WRONG, that little boy unzipped his pants and peed on Titilayo Gafari Balogun (I'm reenergized)! Ti was speechless, he was flabbergasted, he was ... unable to continue! Aidan had won! Ti had lost! The enemy had been vanquished! Ti angrily looked at Aidan and demanded to know why he committed this act. Aidan, confused that his enemy didn't understand the rules of war, scrunched up his face in a puzzled expression and answered, "I told you I would pee on you".
Can we agree that Aidan was wrong to do what he did? Can we agree that, while he is wise, this 3 year old boy doesn't yet understand the subtleties of interpersonal relationships? Can we agree that if Aidan were more honest in juding HIS OWN actions, he would see Titilayo wasn't as aggressive or rude as he first believed? I'm glad we agree. Now let's bring this thing full circle to the lesson Aidan was trying to teach us: what is an issue that men see as gray, but women see as black and white? An issue that for years has led women to label their spouse as inconsiderate or self-serving. An issue that involves urination? You've got it, I'm talking about the great toilet seat debate!
Now ladies before you attack me let's be honest. You know good and well what you're doing. We men are simple creatures and easily confused. If enough women gather together and decide to tell their men they're selfish if they don't leave the toilet seat down, eventually all those unsuspecting males will cave. And its worked. Women have somehow convinced men that when they have to put down a toilet seat it suddenly weighs 800 pounds. Brava ladies, you've turned a simple task into the most ridiculous argument on earth. But I'm on to your tricks and I see the chinks in your armor. Let's explore the gray areas of this issue:
Man: Step 1.) Fight against the forces of gravity to lift the seat up, the preferrable setup for us when we handle our bathroom duties 2.) Proceed to handle said bathroom duties 3.) Put the toilet seat back down, the preferrable setup for our SPOUSE, not us
In contrast, let's look at the amount of work and consideration involved by the female spouse:
Woman: Step 1.) Go in the bathroom and sit down on the toilet seat your husband prepared 2.) Handle your bathroom duties, and 3.) Get up and leave the room without any effort exerted or consideration given to your spouse, who prefers the seat up!
Does it sound like the male is the one in this relationship who's being inconsiderate? If a man came into a restroom, fussed at you for not putting the seat UP, did it himself and then walked out the bathroom without putting it back DOWN for you, wouldn't you think he had some kind of nerve?! I thought so, pot. I thought so.
Look, THEN Unzip: one day I had a conversation about this topic with a female friend, who is a doctor. A doctor. A doctor. Which means she went to school for a long time and is very educated. I know this because she's a doctor. She said she hates it when her husband leaves the seat up because then she sits down on the toilet without looking and hurts herself. I did a grassroots survey and found out this happens to women quite often. Which lets me know that college-educated women are willing to walk into a room, drop their pants and sit down in an open area without looking at what's behind them. Am I crazy? Can you honestly blame a man for this behavior? Did y'all not hear about the guy in the Bronx who found a 36 inch corn snake in his toilet bowl?! Do you know how he found it? Because a man with common sense looks around a couple times before he take his pants off. How would you women have survived in bible times when it doesn't even occur to you to look down when your bare butt is about to touch something? My friend is a doctor and she fell in a toilet. Doctors out here falling in toilets in 2012? That S%^ Cray!
It contradicts the womens rights movement: as a black man who's not in prison or gay or fathering children I don't take care of, I can testify that men have to deal with a lot of flak from women these days. Half the day I feel like I hear about how we don't help, we're not worth anything, or how women just have to take over and do things themselves. Women don't need men at all. O, so you don't need us you say? Then what's the big fuss about this toilet bowl? You can't do it yourself? We're all in prison, gay or fathering kids but you want us to stop all that and come put the seat down for you? I find the times you want to be equal then unequal very convenient. Do you want to be equal when a spider scurries across your path and its time to decide who kills it? How about on a first date when the GUY traditionally pays the bill? Would you scream I don't need a man in the middle of the night when it sounds like a robber is breaking in and SOMEBODY has to go downstairs and check? I certainly don't think so, but I've been wrong before ... twice, actually. So if you want to PROVE that I'm wrong, what better way than to let go of this outdated toilet argument and prove that you're the bigger woMan? Set the example why don't you? YOU put the seat UP when you're finished, and in turn I'll put the seat DOWN when I'm done. That's pretty simple, pretty black and white. And that's exactly how you want it ... right?
To sum this argument up I'd like to end with this: I am not a chauvinist. I try my hardest to do my best to try my hardest to do my best because I care, not because I think it's my role as man. But I do have some responsibilities, and that's what introduces a little gray into my situation. All I'm asking you ladies to do is acknowledge the gray in yours. Because if you don't then what do we end up with? We end up with grown men getting peed on in the middle of Mexican restaurants. Is that the kind of world you want to live in?