Monday, September 17, 2012

From the Mouths of Babes

There is a genius of a child at my church; his name is Aidan. One day, a group of my friends and I went to Cafe Azteca for dinner, and Aidan-who was 3 at the time-was in attendance. Titilayo Gafari Balogun, a well-known antogonizer of Aidan, was there as well. Now what you have to understand about this child is he sees life in black and white. Truth is truth, lies are lies, and there is no gray area in between. So at dinner when Titilayo started agitating him, it didn't occur to Aidan that a FRIEND would purposefully annoy another FRIEND. That's a gray area. Instead, Aidan saw a very black and white situation: a person is annoying me on purpose, therefore he is my enemy. When one is engaged by an enemy, they are now in a battle. To win a battle against your enemy, you must strike a blow that would devestate them and leave them unable to continue. Therefore I, Aidan, must strike a blow that will render my enemy, Titilayo, unable to continue this battle. So to set up his attack, Aidan uttered these words: I AM GOING TO PEE ON YOU.

Now ... we're in the middle of a Mexican restaurant. In Ti's (I'm tired of typing his full name) mind, this whole situation is a big gray area. Ti is joking around with a child, not trying to harm him. The child knows this right? The child responds by telling him he would pee on him. But since we're in public this response must be a joke, right? The boy's mother is there and, on the off chance the child is serious, there's still no way he would risk a spanking to pee on a grown man. Any way Ti looks at it this scenario, it's far too gray to end with the boy peeing ... right?


WRONG, that little boy unzipped his pants and peed on Titilayo Gafari Balogun (I'm reenergized)! Ti was speechless, he was flabbergasted, he was ... unable to continue! Aidan had won! Ti had lost! The enemy had been vanquished! Ti angrily looked at Aidan and demanded to know why he committed this act. Aidan, confused that his enemy didn't understand the rules of war, scrunched up his face in a puzzled expression and answered, "I told you I would pee on you".

Can we agree that Aidan was wrong to do what he did? Can we agree that, while he is wise, this 3 year old boy doesn't yet understand the subtleties of interpersonal relationships? Can we agree that if Aidan were more honest in juding HIS OWN actions, he would see Titilayo wasn't as aggressive or rude as he first believed? I'm glad we agree. Now let's bring this thing full circle to the lesson Aidan was trying to teach us: what is an issue that men see as gray, but women see as black and white? An issue that for years has led women to label their spouse as inconsiderate or self-serving. An issue that involves urination? You've got it, I'm talking about the great toilet seat debate!

Now ladies before you attack me let's be honest. You know good and well what you're doing. We men are simple creatures and easily confused. If enough women gather together and decide to tell their men they're selfish if they don't leave the toilet seat down, eventually all those unsuspecting males will cave. And its worked. Women have somehow convinced men that when they have to put down a toilet seat it suddenly weighs 800 pounds. Brava ladies, you've turned a simple task into the most ridiculous argument on earth. But I'm on to your tricks and I see the chinks in your armor. Let's explore the gray areas of this issue:

Pot, meet kettle: Another appropriate name for this section would be selfish is as selfish does. Or how about 'chick did YOUUUUU put the seat UP for me?', but 'pot, meet kettle' was more friendly. My question to you ladies is how can you be so adamant about the lack of respect your man shows to you in the bathroom when your entire bathroom existence is based on selfishOssity? Do you know what I need to make my bathroom complete? Deodrant, toothbrush and floss, lotion, towel and washcloth. That is a fully furnished bathroom for a man. But women need space upon space for makeup, eye liners, lip liners, elbow liners, hair products, loufas, scented candles, etc. But do we make a big deal out of the space inequities, the female scents eminating from what should be a gender-neutral room? No, because our bathroom satisfaction is not contingent upon someone else's work. But women, who have the perfect setup, somehow find a way to look at a toilet seat and claim that their man not putting a seat down ruins it all? Let's look at the amount of work involved in the toilet seat conundrum:

Man: Step 1.) Fight against the forces of gravity to lift the seat up, the preferrable setup for us when we handle our bathroom duties 2.) Proceed to handle said bathroom duties 3.) Put the toilet seat back down, the preferrable setup for our SPOUSE, not us

In contrast, let's look at the amount of work and consideration involved by the female spouse:

Woman: Step 1.) Go in the bathroom and sit down on the toilet seat your husband prepared 2.) Handle your bathroom duties, and 3.) Get up and leave the room without any effort exerted or consideration given to your spouse, who prefers the seat up!

Does it sound like the male is the one in this relationship who's being inconsiderate? If a man came into a restroom, fussed at you for not putting the seat UP, did it himself and then walked out the bathroom without putting it back DOWN for you, wouldn't you think he had some kind of nerve?! I thought so, pot. I thought so.

Look, THEN Unzip: one day I had a conversation about this topic with a female friend, who is a doctor. A doctor. A doctor. Which means she went to school for a long time and is very educated. I know this because she's a doctor. She said she hates it when her husband leaves the seat up because then she sits down on the toilet without looking and hurts herself. I did a grassroots survey and found out this happens to women quite often. Which lets me know that college-educated women are willing to walk into a room, drop their pants and sit down in an open area without looking at what's behind them. Am I crazy? Can you honestly blame a man for this behavior? Did y'all not hear about the guy in the Bronx who found a 36 inch corn snake in his toilet bowl?! Do you know how he found it? Because a man with common sense looks around a couple times before he take his pants off. How would you women have survived in bible times when it doesn't even occur to you to look down when your bare butt is about to touch something? My friend is a doctor and she fell in a toilet. Doctors out here falling in toilets in 2012? That S%^ Cray!

It contradicts the womens rights movement: as a black man who's not in prison or gay or fathering children I don't take care of, I can testify that men have to deal with a lot of flak from women these days. Half the day I feel like I hear about how we don't help, we're not worth anything, or how women just have to take over and do things themselves. Women don't need men at all. O, so you don't need us you say? Then what's the big fuss about this toilet bowl? You can't do it yourself? We're all in prison, gay or fathering kids but you want us to stop all that and come put the seat down for you? I find the times you want to be equal then unequal very convenient. Do you want to be equal when a spider scurries across your path and its time to decide who kills it? How about on a first date when the GUY traditionally pays the bill? Would you scream I don't need a man in the middle of the night when it sounds like a robber is breaking in and SOMEBODY has to go downstairs and check? I certainly don't think so, but I've been wrong before ... twice, actually. So if you want to PROVE that I'm wrong, what better way than to let go of this outdated toilet argument and prove that you're the bigger woMan? Set the example why don't you? YOU put the seat UP when you're finished, and in turn I'll put the seat DOWN when I'm done. That's pretty simple, pretty black and white. And that's exactly how you want it ... right?

To sum this argument up I'd like to end with this: I am not a chauvinist. I try my hardest to do my best to try my hardest to do my best because I care, not because I think it's my role as man. But I do have some responsibilities, and that's what introduces a little gray into my situation. All I'm asking you ladies to do is acknowledge the gray in yours. Because if you don't then what do we end up with? We end up with grown men getting peed on in the middle of Mexican restaurants. Is that the kind of world you want to live in?

Friday, January 27, 2012

50 Questions I Have for the World Pt.3

1. Am I the only one that refuses to be sad when someone dies sky-diving? Why are people surprised when something goes wrong after you jump out of a plane?




 2. How come no one will give Ben Affleck a pass for Gigli, yet we let Will Smith get away with Shark Tale?







3. Do women believe turning the faucet on makes us think they're not peeing? Did the water company start this myth to increase our utility bills?








4. How thirsty was Tom for companions that he wouldn't let you join Myspace without being his friend?



5. Charlie Sheen is 46 years old and has been doing cocaine for almost 30 years, yet he looks the exact same as 30 years ago. What kind of crack is he smoking?!



6. Morgan Freeman is 74, and he's looked the exact same for the past 30 years too... but not in a good way. Does Charlie Sheen have any extra crack he can loan him?







7. Who randomly decided that hearing a person sneeze was the perfect opportunity to wish blessings upon them?








8. Is Eddie Long sponsored by UnderArmour? Did they get any advertising revenue for those pictures?





9. Why do black people think that X and Z at the ends of words makes things blacker?










10. Why do people think running water over your hands is the same as using soap?








11. Is there a Paula Deen recipe that DOESN'T call for a stick of butter? Was she the last person to find out she had diabetes?






12. Kris Humphries got paid during the lockout and had 72 days of marital relations (most PG phrasing I could think of) with KIM KARDASHIAN. Am I the only one confused that people are joking on him?




13. Kobe Bryant married an 18 year old high school senior with no prenup, gave her a $4 million ring after he cheated on her with an ugly girl, and now he's giving that high school seniorl $75 million and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS HOUSES ... and she keeps that ring. Am I the only one confused people AREN'T joking on him?




14. N'Sync members seem to be doing pretty well for themselves since Justin Timberlake left, so why can't the other two Cinnamon Toast bakers find a job without Wendell?





15. Did you see G.I. Joe? How does Channing Tatum keep getting jobs?






16. No seriously, HOW DOES CHANNING TATUM KEEP GETTING JOBS!?






17. Did the makers of Hangover 2 turn in the exact same script as the first one and just change the location to Asia?




18. Whose father should be more embarrassed? A prostitute's father ... or Rihanna's? At least a prostitute operates in secrecy, EVERYBODY saw the 'We Found Love' video!






19. Keenan Ivory Waynans is bringing back 'In Living Color', and JLo says she wants to be a part of the reunion ... so ... does she think she's gonna get to act now? Because ... fly girls don't get promoted



20. Did Blair Underwood ever find Jada Pinkett Smith in Set It Off? Why did Jada spend all that money on a long distance phone call to sit there and not say anything?






21. By the way, who knew Queen Latifah was trying to drop a hint in Set It Off? She ain't THAT good an actress!





22. How has GEICO's marketing director not been fired for making Brian Orakpo their national spokesman? How many commercials did it take before people realized he was a football player?



 





23. Why is it that every year I get older sitting like this feels more and more comfortable?







24. How confusingly UNfunny is this video?





25. Why do little people hate the term midget? Isn't calling someone a lesser person more offensive than just giving them their own unique title?








26. Speaking of little people, was I the only one that didn't know they could have regular sized kids? What happens when they have to bend their kid over their knee and spank them?







27. After this I'll stop: how angry would you be if you were a little person and all three of your siblings were normal sized?!








28. Has anyone ever called ahead to make a reservation at Ruby Tuesdays?!






29. Is there a single person that likes the popcorn flavored Jelly Belly?



30. How dumb did this guy feel when he found out his team didn't recover this fumble?



video


31. Is James Bond's 007 title based off some sort of ranking system? Is their an Agent 001 out there that's way better than him?



32. R.Kelly tried to marry Aaliyah when she was 15 and he was 27. He had sex with a 14 year old girl, peed on her, and was dumb enough to tape it. The cops raided his house and found other pics of little girls in the house ... and he was found not guilty. Plaxio Burress was in a club and shot HIMSELF in the leg and went to prison for 2 years .... actually this isn't a question, that's just dumb



33. Did the judge give Plaxio Burress 2 years because he was dumb enough to put a gun with no safety in a pair of sweatpants?



34. Wait, why was Plaxico wearing sweatpants to the club?!



35. Am I the only college-educated adult that can't seem to figure out the Facebook Timeline?



36. Why does gas pump slower the closer it gets to the $20 I put on pump 7? Is it a not-so-subtle reminder I'm not getting a penny more than I paid for?







37. If Eddie Murphy's heterosexuality were it's own separate person, did it die after this video? Why did he cover Michael's mouth at the end?!













38. Didn't Michael Jackson realize he wasn't doing himself any favors by having all those little boys running around?




39. Is it just me, or are those "Most Interesting Man in the World" commercials still hilarious?





40. Is it just me, or are those Old Spice commercials getting ridiculously idiotic?





41. Is there a sadder death in a movie than Mufasa in the Lion King?




42. Will this man's daughter ever trust him again?









43. Did this kid die?













44. How do I sue tights manufacturers for false advertising?













45. Is there a better 4 minutes worth of entertainment than this? Because I haven't found it.







46. Why hasn't The Itis been recognized as an official disease?






47. How did Sparks last two seasons? 










48. If you're clean when you dry off with bath towels, why do you have to wash them?




49. What was better, Star Search or American Idol?



50. How hard is Beyonce praying that her genes take over when Blue Ivy hits puberty?



Monday, January 9, 2012

Christina Columbus: A Woman's Voyage into Your Plate

Spain-America:What's Yours Is Yours When you first start dating someone, it's amazing how uncomfortable you can feel around their personal things. You go over their apartment or chill in their room for the first time, and for some reason you feel like you have to sit on the very tip of the couch. You don't touch anything that looks fragile, you try not to sit TOO close to her when you go out, because nobody wants to overstep their bounds; it's a feeling out period, and when you first start dating, personal boundaries are very important. Until your relationship advances, Spain is hers, America is yours When I first started dating my fiance I don't think I farted for a month. Not that farting is a major part of my life, but I didn't want her determining my boyfriendability with that on the judges' scorecard. You are incapable of seeing any flaws during this period, because all you can focus on is holding that silent one in until you drop her off for the night. I'll say on average this period lasts three months. What follows is something different alltogether ...
The Boo'ditude Voyage: What's Yours Is Fair Game Boo'ditude, where everything she does seems cute. You love the way she takes forever to get ready, because your dumb tail still thinks she's getting fancy for YOU, when she's really trying to outdo other women (another day, another blog). It's so adorable when you argue, or when you talk on the phone until 5 a.m., or any of the other things you won't want to do after your Boo'ditude has changed. Don't mistake my comments for complaints. I can easily list 1,000 things I still love about her, but the fact of the matter is Boo'ditude skewed my vision. It is a powerful feeling which will have you so distracted that you find it sexy when you go to Mickey D's and she gracefully takes a fry out of your box. What's yours is yours ... but that hand is on it's way across the table! Then ...
America: Give Me Your Corn Chump It's 6 years later, and this chick will not stop eating your fries. Does she think you don't want them? Does she not realize that your plate is not divided into his and hers sections? Does she think that you put what you want to eat on the plate and then add a special section for sharing?! How presumptuous of a human being do you have to be to look at someone else's plate that you didn't prepare and truly feel entitled to whatever it contains? Is this how the Indians felt when Christopher Columbus walked in their tent and said he discovered it? O, you mean YOUUUUU found this place? I guess the fact that I planted all these crops, built this tent and gave you those moccasins just doesn't count as a contribution, huh? Women will watch you slave over a plate, wait until you're finished and then stick their flag right in your macaroni and cheese, and the acceptance of this practice drives me crazy. What man allowed this to happen and doomed us all to an eternity of eating 7/8ths of our plate? Is their deed undoable? I think not, but as you know, first we must educate ourselves. I have done my best to outline the three types of Pilgrim that will steal your corn, and you can determine where the lady in your life falls:
Juanita Jordan Swag: I work in a very ritzy, old money part of town, and the overwhelming majority of women that live in the area are stay at home moms. In my opinion, the value of an involved, dedicated, stay at home mom cannot be quantified. But these are not the breed that live where I work. On any given day, I can go to Publix deli for a lunch break and pull up to an open parking space, only for a Range Rover to fly in front of me and take that space AND half of the one next to it. Who hops out? A stay at home mom, who at noon has done no work for the day, in YOGA PANTS (yet there is no evidence she did yoga either). And what's worse, she looks at ME like I'm the one who doesn't belong. How does this woman have so much swagger? Community Property. She knows that the second she signed that marriage licens, she is entitled to half of everything in her household. Even if she decides to take her yoga mat to another man's living room, her financial future has been secured by your fair state. The Juanita Jordan Swag is prevalent in all women, and it manifests itself in our plates, where women don't see "my plate, your plate", they see it as "my plate, MY plate"! Don't get it twisted, I realize that there are plenty of women out there knocking it out the park in the business world, probably more than there are men, but even the businesswoman leaves a hard day at work and runs home to eat your last piece of pizza. They believe in the power of the law, and the power of the Bible. When you got married and became one you thought it meant myStuff + herStuff = ourStuff, but it really means myStuff + herStuff = herStuff, and if you leave her it's 1/2myStuff + herStuff + Alimony = herStuff. I'm halfway joking ... but only halfway. Stay vigilant my friends,
Metta World Peace: my friend Brandon got married this past year. While I was playing third wheel one night at their place, Brittany, his wife, explained her strategy when ordering food. She purposely waits until last so that she can order something different than everyone else at the table; she doesn't do this to be unique, she does it so that she can sample some of every dish on the table in addition to her own. That's right; in this economy she bases her food choices on the assumption that people will give her a portion of the meal they paid for. I don't know whether to attribute this to her good nature, or whether she's secretly a conniving conspirator with other sweethearted women across the globe. Either way, calling this type of woman presumptuous would be kind. Brittany always wants to believe that people have some good inside of them, and she gives even the most reckless personalities the benefit of the doubt. If you asked her if I would lend her a helping hand in a time of need she would say yes, and I would. If you asked her whether or not I consider her a close friend she would say yes, and I do. And if you ask her whether or not I would willingly give her a bite of my food she would say yes, when the truth of the matter is I would rather box up whatever I don't eat and let it sit in my refrigerator until it spoils than to give her even a single noodle of my fettucini alfredo!
The PowerStruggle: Have you ever seen Deliverance? It's a movie about a group of Atlanta businessmen who go on a camping trip in rural Georgia. The entire movie revolves around the four characters'-Lewis, Ed, Bobby, and Drew-condescending attitude towards the inbred locals, and the locals' disdain for the big city boys. In the biggest moment of comeuppance in movie history, Bobby and Ed are held up at gunpoint by two locals in the middle of the woods. After being forced to strip naked, Bobby is bent over and ... ummm ... let's just say, it's not a PG movie. Now I have wondered about the motives of the hillbilly for years. Was he gay, and just wanted gay sex? Not to me. I think it's much more likely that the hillbilly was so hellbent on showing who had the power in the relationship that he would do whatever was necessary to prove it, and Bobby's hindparts were simply a casualty of war! And that is EXACTLY what these women do when they ask for a taste of your food they truly have no appetite for! I truly believe a woman with a peanut allergy would dig all up IN your peanut butter and jelly sandwich to show you who's boss. You have no option; you WILL submit, and you will like it. it's because making me submit is such a rush for you that it gets you all tingly in your ... heart (again, my mom reads)! THESE are they, my male companions, that purposely commit you to double dates in the middle of a football game, the women that wait until 400 people are around and ask you to hold their purse, the ones that you ask to buy shampoo and come back with Garnier Fructis! You want some proof, you say? Every red-blooded American female cares at least a little bit about fashion. And if there is anything that could piss a woman off, it's going to an event and seeing someone else in their dress. Why then, do these same women, who can't stand to look the same as anyone else on a normal day, INSIST on matching with their men?! The PowerStruggle my friends ... learn a lesson from Bobby and keep your belt tight. I realize I post a lot about annoying things women do ... but it's only because you keep providing me with material. Men across the nation have been wronged for too long, and the truth of the matter is we are STARVING! I cannot think of the last time I had a full portion whilst eating with my fiance or mother. Only my sister gives me a moment of rest, and that's probably because she's such a health freak she doesn't want my french fries anyways. Do not think of this post as woman-bashing; think of it as a cry for help that your mute boyfriend couldn't muster. I am here for him, and I will be until someone takes a crane and destroys my soapbox. I hope you have been informed ... I'm here all week.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Tales of a Struggleberry: the End of an Era

I have a friend, an African friend. His name is Titilayo Gafari Balogun. His name has no relevance to the story, other than the fact that it amuses me. I don't know what that name means in his native tongue, but I feel like every African says their name means brave warrior, or chosen one or some other compliment. This always confuses me, because Americans don't do this with their names. I don't think that ugly English names like Mildred or Winifred mean Beatiful One or Elegant Soul or some foolishness, but I could be wrong. The long and short of it is that in the African culture, your name symbolizes something about you, what you're SUPPOSED to stand for. And Titilayo stays true to his heritage. He is so faithful, that he takes it upon himself to name other things in life that need symbolism. He has come up with such affectionate terms as "nut of everlasting", "gelatinous mass", and countless others. But the crown jewel of names is the one he has reserved for his phone: The StruggleBerry. Yes, we all are familiar with the woes of a Blackberry. The neverending hourglass, the system updates that pop up right when you need your phone the most, the lack of everything that every other phone in existence has ... it never ends. I for one have sworn off all StruggleBerries and moved on to a better, Android existence. And while my telecommunicational existence has never been better, my heart still goes out to the Struggleberry owners among us. I want you to live your life free of struggle, but if I am to do my part I must expose its flaws. So I give you my thoughts, full of care and sympathy. i hope that you identify with my musings, and maybe I can help you all realize that there is a far better way. THERE HAS TO BE. Let us begin:

The Mitchell&Ness: In 1999, Mitchell & Ness transformed the urban fashion industry with the introduction of Hardwood Heroes, a line of vintage NBA jerseys deemed 'throwbacks', and they went gangbusters. From 1999 to around 2004, you were a nobody if you didn't have an authentic throwback jersey. By the beginning of 2005 hrowback jerseys could cost up to $500; this was presented a problem. By then, the veggie-gangster days were over, and people had ditched the baggy throwback jerseys and Girbaud jeans for v-neck t-shirts and boat shoes. But what about the people who JUST bought their throwbacks?! They spent $500 and now they were expected to just throw it in the closet? I think not! So they begrudgingly put on their throwbacks and rocked them with nonpride, even as people snickered behind their backs: "he's STILL wearing a throwback?", "doesn't he know that was done two years ago? He might as well rock cornrows too!". They were stuck in no man's land. And that is EXACTLY the plight of Blackberry users stuck at the outer edge of a fashion trend. They had a regular LG phone for years until they scrounged up enough to buy a Blackberry Bold, and now they realize that a white tee costs 10 times less and goes with more of their shoes. How does one admit that a recently-purchased blackberry doesn't quite cut it next to an Android that was half the price?! And what about when the Mitchell & Ness of the phone world RAISES the price of their throwbacks?! It may be just enough to finally admit that your neon green Hawks jersey might need to get its first taste of eBay.

The AnneFrank: I'm not one to make fun of the dead, but sometimes a story has to be told. The Struggleberry reminds me of the plight of Anne Frank, the German Jew whose diary chronicled her and her people's persecution by the Nazis. She wrote in the diary about her struggle over the course of two years before her family was captured and transported to concentration camps, where all but her father Otto died. Upon Otto's return home, he discovered his daughter's diary was intact, and it took 5 years for him to find someone to publish her works ... FIVE YEARS for a work that has now sold over 25 million copies. Translate the plight of Otto Frank into the present: could you imagine how pissed he would be if after just 2 years of slaving away, somebody told him "Yo ... Otto. Ummmmm, I don't know how to tell you this, but uhhhhhh there's this site called Blogger. You can just go ahead and put this stuff on there free of charge, and everybody can see it"!!! He would be furious! Two years, and he'd been stuck a full generation behind technology! So WHY WHY WHY do the AnneFranks insist on seeing all that good phones can do and giving the same response: "but it doesn't have BBM". Yea, but it has a camera with triple the megapixels of yours: "but it doesn't have BBM". Yea, but it takes HD videos and you can do face to face chatting: "but it doesn't have BBM". Yea, but Google+ has a mobile app that has a chat feature, and Blackberry sucks so bad it doesn't even have the app: "but it doesn't have BBM". Phones in today's world are no longer phones-they're entertainment machines-yet the AnneFrank is satisfied with just making calls and sending emails. They are the type of person that still balances a checkbook, the type that liked the time when blacks and whites had separate water fountains, the type that only liked New Edition BEFORE Johnny Gill (actually, I'm in that crowd)!

The ItsAllInTheWristers: when I was 17 I got a 1994 GS300 with 80,000 miles. I was in heaven, and the car was my transportation to and from the pearly gates. It rode like a dream, but that requires more explanation; it rode like a wet dream the first 4 years, and a nightmare the last year and a half (I wash my car all the time, so you couldn't tell from the outside). The roof leaked, my starter broke twice, it burned oil at an unreal rate, the sound system didn't work, the air conditioner only blew hot air, you get the point. But the icing on the doodoo-cake-I wanted to use another word, but you know my mom reads this-was the day that my car started turning completely off ... while I was driving. I could be going 80 miles an hour, and all of a sudden the car would just shut down in the middle of the interstate. To keep from crashing, I would have to JAM the gear shift from Drive to Park, turn the key to the off position, turn the car back on and then jam the shift from Park back to Drive, all in the span of 5 seconds. After doing this 3 or 4 times, it occurred to me: I had to park my car to drive my car. If you're a Blackberry owner you should identify with my plight, because for years you have performed countless battery pulls, essentially turning your phone OFF so you can use it! In my not-so-trusty GS, it was all about coordinated movements, hands and legs in synergy. But with the battery pull, it's allin the wrist, and if you claim there's no science to it you're a liar. The fact of the matter is the battery pull is a symbol of unnecessary movement, a sign that a phone needs to be disposed of. When you have to turn your phone off for it to function properly, where does it end? Do you remember the days of dial up internet, when you had to start downloading a CD before you went to bed so it would be done when you woke up? Or maybe you remember when the closest thing you had to text messaging was sitting by your computer waiting for your friend's MSN messenger status to stop saying 'away' or 'out to lunch'? Is that how you want to live your life?! I beg you, give your wrist a rest and invest in your future!

Friends, enemies, countrymen, enough is enough. I am sick and tired of hearing your empty defense of Blackberry messenger, breaking phone contracts and the like. There are other options out there, and it is time you seize your opportunity to change your circumstance! In due time, we can do our part to send the Blackberry to its proper place alongside the Treo, Razr and Sidekick in phone purgatory. I'll do my part and continue to expose its flaws, but the day must come where you pull your battery for the last time and finally toss it in the trash where it belongs. I hope I've helped.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Bring Back the Days of the 2way Pagers

What's up bloggers and bloggettes? I rarely apologize for my extended absences, but MAYBE I could have done a better job staying in touch. I feel a bit guilty, because even now I'm only writing as a matter of convenience; you see, I'm at home recovering from a lost battle with a turkey burger, and I've nothing left but to sit at home and twiddle my thumbs until this stomach bug passes. Thus to hence and therefore, I'm here with you today. And when I woke up from my 14 hour rest, I woke up to 8 texts and 3 voicemails. But not just texts and voicemails: 8 Jeremihs, 2 TheseAreNotMyPants and an IGotItLikeThat, to be exact. Don't know what I'm talking about? You will, because my sole purpose today is to show you how the essence of the telephone has been invaded by the annoying among us. The true intention of the telephone-to SPEAK to someone who isn't present-has gone by the wayside, replaced by the Jeremihs among us. Have you never been annoyed by the texting habits of your dumb friend InsertNameHere, or been pissed that your dad leaves a message every single time he calls, even if he didn't want anything? Well if you do, I hope that I shed light on some of the villains in your telecommunical world. Let us begin:

The IGotItLikeThats: I have a huge family, with cousins everywhere I look. I'm close with my friends, parents, my sister, my brother in-law, my girlfriend's brother, my girlfriend's mom; I even call my girlfriend's grandparents every other month to shoot the breeze (I'm not lame, her grandparents are hilarious). The point is there are a large number of people who could realistically say they are "close" to me. And with the exception of my brother in-law, whose voice sounds like Zeus recovering from a cold, it's very difficult for me to identify people over the phone. So when I see I have a voicemail, take the time to go into my inbox so that I might RETURN said call, and hear 'hey, it's me. Call me back' ... OOOOO, IT'S YOU!!! Who spawned this movement of self-importance, of delusions of grandeur that leads people to believe they could drop the 'it's me' and the world uniformly knows "I need to call Steve back"? I have a feeling that if, by some strange twist of fate, this person reached say a Kathy Griffin-level of celebrity, they would push for the single name status. Could you imagine Kathy Griffin truly believing that if Diddy can go by one name, so can she? That is the mindset of these kings and queens of MEdom, who completely disregard the possibility that you have any other friends at all. The IGotItLikeThats are the type to walk towards a door and wait for you to open it for them, even if you're 30 steps behind them. They're the type to go to the busiest McDonald's in the city and say "I'll have my usual", and are confused the cashier is pissed off. They're the type that goes to a church three times and are legitimately pissed when someone is sitting in "their seat" the fourth week! But I digress ...

The TheseAreNotMyPants: In 2007, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for an altercation she had with a former assistant's mother. Allegedly, Lindsay was following the woman's car around Santa Monica, creeping her out to the point she called the cops, who found Ms.Lohan in the parking lot screaming at the woman. She was arrested for a DUI, driving on a suspended license and, after the police found cocaine in her pants, possession of a controlled substance. When asked to explain her behavior, Lindsay said, "somebody else put cocaine in my pants" ... so ... Lindsay ... why were you high? Why were you following the woman? Why couldn't you walk in a straight line? She shows utter neglect for the other questions that need to be answered, apologies that need to be made. So you can imagine how I feel when I get 5 calls from my mother, call her back and she says "it was a butt dial", with no further explanation. In a perfect world, she would offer me an explanation for how she will change things so this doesn't happen again. Maybe she would tell me how your buttocks managed to manipulate a touch screen phone and come up with my phone number 5 times in a row. I hate that the TheseAreNotMyPants consider their butt a separate being or entity. The way they refuse to acknowledge their part in the butt dial, you would be led to believe their butt has its own tax returns, trials and tribulations, even it's own side of the bed (and for my big booty Judys out there ... maybe it does! #Pow). It is time the TheseAreNotMyPants acknowledge they are complicit in and culpable for the butt dial! I will do my part as well, because the next time I see someone sniffing coke and trying to pass it off because "someone blew this coke up my nose", I SHALL check their phone and see how many calls their butt has placed that day!

The Jeremihs: Un42nately, when QWERTY keybrds were nvented, the Eng language strted its slow dcent n2 hell. Bk n the days of 2way pgrs, ppl still had rspct 4 grammer. It was a bizness tool, & 95% of the owners were biz men ... or drug dlrs (or Ryan Coopwood whn he wuz TWELVE! #Jealousy). And bcuz it wuz used 4 bizness msgs, u cldnt jus 4sake all pnctuation, rules of spelling or grammatical Dcency n general; it wuz idiot-proof. Whn phones strted txt msgs, it was still a hedache bcuz der were Cmingly 1,000 letters per #. I mean, really, who wnts 2 press '7' four xs jus 2 get 2 the letter 'S'? Bt den, QWERTY keybrds hit the scene, & dumb ppl evrywher rejoiced bcuz finally dey cld communicate w/others outside der circle of stupidity. Wrds were shortnd, pnctuation wuz punctured, and arnd suddnly ppl whose SAT scores cld be mistaken 4 der credit score had a built-N excuse of "I only hav 160 characters!". As if that wuznt enuff, the AllmyT Twitter dcided dey were so great, they wld jus knock off another 20 characters & make u deal w/140 ... meaning that evn the Goonies' monster cld effectively Dsseminate his message 2 the masses. I blieve its vry possible dat Jeremih, he of Twitter nfamy 4 the ncredibly dumb Tweet below, would not only nvr hav been named Jeremih-dumb ppl's version of JEREMIAH-bt also b publicly flogged 4 his idOcee n da days of 2way pgrs. I urge u 2 take a stand against these fools b4 dey take over our society. If we dnt fight, they will hav der own versions of the Bible, they'll nfiltrate our children's txtbooks, evn the Constitution itself! I mean ... am I jus Xaggerating, or wuz readin dis paragraph not annoyin as hell?!





Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Lex Luthor's Fantasy Football Manifesto



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How did your parents punish you as a child? Were you raised in a spanking house? Were you a timeout baby? I was neither of those. I really was never a bad child, so punishment wasn't a major part of my upbringing in the first place. But when I did get punished, my dad knew how to hit me where it hurt (you know, metaphorically, since I just said I wasn't a spanking baby). My parents are true believers in the concept of absence making a heart grow fonder. If I were to say, talk back to my mother, the consequences would go something like this: my dad sees no need to spank me, so my hind parts are safe. Timeouts are an illogical and useless form of punishment, so we're all good there. But I DID just get these new Superman and Lex Luthor toys ...

Nuts and bolts, that's where I'd get screwed, but not in the way you might think. In their evil plan, they would take my LEX LUTHOR toy. Initially, I would laugh at the silly rabbits I had for parents; what fool knows so little about Superman comics that they would take Lex Luthor and think they did something (cue #CountChoculaLaugh)? But that was the beauty of their diabolical plan. I would start playing with Superman, letting my dorky imagination run wild, until I realized ... playing Superman when there's no Lex Luthor isn't much fun. As a matter of fact, it is painstakingly boring. But how could that be? Superman is the main character, and when you have the main character what else do you need? That's a long story to build up to a short point, but that point is this: sometimes the biggest things in the lights distract you from the value of the smaller things in the shadows. And those smaller things are sneaky-important.




This all brings me to fantasy football, the Lex Luthor of the NFL. I wasn't too interested in the lockout, because it didn't matter to me at first. My Titans just might suck this year, and delaying the inevitable was certainly find to me. But fantasy is a piece of my life that is becoming just as important as the actual games on Sunday. Gone are the days when I would brave any weather to watch my Titans play; they've been replaced by me on my couch, eating breakfast in my underwear as I hit refresh on my laptop. There is no greater place than the land of fantasy football, where the know-it-alls, trash talkers, passive fans and sexy women who know sports all convene into one hugely diverse collection of personalities. If you asked me to choose between watching every game and skipping fantasy, or playing fantasy and not seeing a game all year, my fantasy pick would be entered sooner than you think ... and don't believe that I am alone. I have an army of people behind me, and their personalities are present in every league you will ever enter. I would like to bring some of them to your attention, and you'll see we truly run in the same crowds. Let's begin:



The NewJerseyNicolasCage: Are you familiar with Nicolas Cage's 'The Family Man'? Cage-who makes my list of Top 10 inexplicable Oscar winners- plays a selfish, single Wall Street stockbroker who somehow wakes up one day as a married father of two in suburban New Jersey. At first he hates it, but as he grows to like his family he begins to struggle with choosing his New York life over the Jersey suburbs. Now let me make this relevant for fantasy football. I'm not a vulgar guy ... but I love to talk trash. And if there's any environment tailor-made for trash talk, it is a fantasy football draft. You can belch, eat what you want, yell at people for dumb picks (i.e. my friend Brandon Middleton drafting Lendale White in the first round in 2010). But I find it a bit difficult to launch into my Mike Tyson I'll-eat-your-children tirade when I look down ... and SEE YOUR CHILDREN!!! Introducing TheNewJerseyNicolasCage, who wants to participate in the manliest of manly events, yet he can't seem to find a babysitter for his kids-and wife- the ONE night I want to let out a big fart and not say excuse me. Now believe me, I love having women in my fantasy football leagues ... as players. Women who understand the ins and outs of fantasy is the sexiest thing to happen to sports since Brazilian women started playing volleyball. But when I'm trying to focus on my strategy and your wife is tapping me on the shoulder asking if there's a TV upstairs with the Lifetime channel, I'm officially ticked off! When your kid runs around and falls on my laptop during my pick and I wind up with the Cardinals defense in the second round, I have the right to be upset. And when I realize that you put money in the pot for one person's food, even though you brought three mouths to the party, I really will eat your children.You've been warned.


The MarioBrown: one of the great things about fantasy football is the camaraderie. Yes, you're competing, but it's still an unexplainable feeling that you get when you and your friends are pontificating about fantasy football. The key word in that last sentence, however, was friends. Let's look at the tale of Mario Brown. Mario Brown was born to Ronald and Vickie Brown, who later divorced. While Mario grew up in Detroit as an aspiring musician, his mother married Marvin Winans, of the famed Winans gospel clan. So I want you to think about the rest of the Winans-who obviously know the people in their family-when they turn on the radio and hear a Mario WINANS, "of the famed Winans family", singing terribly flat notes all through 'I Don't Wanna Know'! MARIO WHO?! Was he at the reunion? And THAT'S how I feel when I log on to the league and ask "who is Robert Reed"? "O that's Jason's uncle". Does he chill with us? Have we met before? This is a section filled with my spite and anger, because there's one thing about a Mario Brown you have to understand: they always have incredible teams. I truly have nothing against Jason's Uncle Robert, but I must admit I am tired of him ending up with Peyton Manning at QB, Antonio Gates at TE and Andre Johnson at receiver! When the person you ask hits you with the "O ... that's Timmy's little cousin ... or maybe his nephew ... no no brother in-law. Shoot I don't know", get it out the way and crown the next champion of your fantasy football league.



The FordFiestas: in high school I had a friend named Carlos Pinto. He was Colombian-not of Colombian heritage, actually from Colombia- and didn't speak English when he came to the States. Because of his language/cultural difficulties, it didn't exactly take a rocket scientist to convince him he was getting a deal if he gave up his dime for your nickel ... you know, because the nickel is bigger. He got bamboozled into EVERYTHING: buying the Avirex Air Force Ones, dressing head to toe in Phat Farm/South Pole blends; it was a mess. But the saddest day came when Carlos paid $400 for TWO Ford Fiestas that barely met the definition of automobile ... you know, because two cars are better than one. And this Carlos Pinto gene is rampant in Fantasy Football circles where The FordFiesta thinks that John Q, Joe the Plumber and Player X is a worthy exchange for Peyton Manning. Have you ever checked the updates on your fantasy league and seen that the guy you're fighting for 1st or 2nd managed to trade all of his subs to a FordFiesta and got Adrian Peterson in return? They have just pulled off a deal with Carlos Pinto. The unfortunate trait of the CarlosPinto is that they always choose to make this trade with the team you need to suck the most. It's a cruel twist of fate, but at least you still have chance of winning if the player in question breaks a leg or something. Your fate is totally sealed, however, when you run across Carlos' half brother: Mr. ImSoooBusy

Mr. ImSoooBusy-Scenario: There's one game left in your fantasy football season. You go into the game with a weak hold on the last playoff spot, yet a bad week could throw you right back into the middle of the pack. It's 5 minutes until game time,so you log on to see who the guy right behind you in the standings is playing. And when you click on their opponent's team, the one that's supposed to be side by side with you in defense of your playoff spot ... they didn't set their lineups. Listen, there are 24 hours in a day, and few things out there that actually take 24 hours to do. I finished all of my work today and I'm writing this at 2:27 p.m., which lets you know that the whole 8 hours wasn't necessary. On Sundays, I can effectively finish all of my to-do items by 12 and never leave the couch for the rest of the day. So do these fools really expect us to believe that in the 167 hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds they had available before game time, they couldn't muster up the energy to set their lineups?! I would like to make a motion that these fantasy criminals be banished from our leagues. I can deal with the ignorance of a Ford Fiesta, but I have no tolerance for a man who works at Subway telling me there's no room in his schedule to find a second QB during the bye week!

The Watchmen a.k.a. ShanahanSyndrome: my first semester at Oakwood-where for some reason, freshmen aren't supposed to have cars-I was one of maybe 5 boys in the dorm who had a car. Now if Huntsville had public transportation, this wouldn't be a major issue. But since there was no Subway system in Northern Alabama, it was obviously quite difficult for my classmates to find rides to the grocery store, the mall, or even to chapel across campus. Thus to hence and therefore, I had a multitude of people who wanted to be my new friend, and not because I tell funny stories (even though I tell damn funny stories). The WORST culprit-and I'm not judging him as a person, it's just the truth-was a fellow by the name of, well, let's call him RonWilly. He would stalk me, constantly inquiring as to my whereabouts, and if I so even stepped near the parking lot I was bound to hear RonWilly's Vans flopping in the wind as he ran to my car. I submit to you that RonWilly is the Watchman of your fantasy league, the player who lives on the waiver wire and studies the injury report like it is The Good Book itself! Every week they thumb through status reports and coaches' interviews with a fine toothed comb, praying that they can pick up on one crucial piece of information that will lead them to next week's hidden star: "You know Arian Foster pulled his hamstring right? I'm on Steve Slaton all day son", "you know Brett Favre sent pictures of his little dingaling to that reporter right? I'm bout to pick up Tavares". IT NEVER ENDS. They are almost orgasmic on the prospect of picking up a player no one has heard of, and their telltale sign? Nine times out of ten it's a Washington Redskins running back. From Keiland Williams to Rock Cartwright to Ladell Betts, the list is plentiful. And when you ask if you can borrow your friend's computer and see a Mike Shanahan interview on their screen, you can bet big bucks that strange substance glossed over his keys isn't popcorn oil. I'm sayinnnnnnnnn....

Sunday, June 26, 2011

50 Questions I Have for the World Pt.2

What's up bloggers and bloggettes? Hope the 4th of July holiday was good to you. If you caught my last post, you probably noticed it was markedly different than my usual ramblings. I've discovered in the two years since I started T.G.I.F.T.-my bloggiversary was June 7th-that either people's desire to read is decreasing, or I just need to switch it up every so often so as not to bore you. Since the blame game is always started by the guilty party, I'm going to assume I just need to switch it up a bit. The 50 questions series, unless otherwise requested, will be an ever-so-often break from my admittedly-lengthy-but-not-as-lengthy-as-you-simpletons-say-they-are posts, and I'll try and think of some other ideas along the way. However, I will NEVER repost anything or have an entry that isn't 100% original thought (allow me my dignity, please). So without further ado, and et cetera et cetera, and thus to hence and therefore ... 50 Questions I Have For The World, Pt.2 (By the way, you can click on the pictures to enlarge them, FYI)


1. Are Dutch men aware the world thinks they don't pay for their women's meals? If I'm 1/16th Dutch and I don't adhere to their customs, am I shaming my ancestors? #ThingsToDiscussWithMyGirlfriend

2. Are the other symbols jealous of the #'s new-found Twitter-celebrity?

3. Life can be rough, but how does Jay-Z have 99 problems?! Shouldn't the fact that he's rich and married to Beyonce offset some of the smaller issues?

4. When will women realize that a blonde head does not an Amber Rose make?

5. Have you ever seen the episode of The Cosby Show when Cliff eats something he wasn't supposed to and tries to hide it?

6. ... wait, that was EVERY episode?

7. Did he get the rest of these tattoos to distract us from the star on his belly button?



8. You mean to tell me she couldn't have scooted over a little bit?



9. How come Abraham can marry Sarai, but Luke Skywalker and Princess Lea hooking up is taboo? #IncestLove




10. What the $*&(#$%&*( is PLANKING?!

11. What does Kim Kardashian's face look like?

12. If I put this to an R&B beat, could it be Trey Songz' next single?



13. If I asked you to name a show that lasted longer than Arrested Development, Star Trek, Ugly Betty, The OC, Prison Break, Heroes, Deadwood, and Boston Public ... would your first guess be In the House?

14. Speaking of 'In the House', are Debbie Allen (Phylicia Rashad) and Kim Wayans (every other Wayans) members of the JJSGHCAS (Jermaine Jackson Support Group for H-list Celebrities with A-list Siblings)?

15. Can Lebron give Kevin Love some tutorials?






16. When lesbians spoon, how do they decide who's the big spoon and who's the little spoon?

17. Matter of fact, when Precious and her boyfriend spoon, how do THEY dec... nevermind



18. So when you take a picture of a famous person without their permission you're a paparazzi, but if they're not famous you're a stalker?





19. So when you're famous you can crossdress all you want, but when you're not you're some kind of freak?






20. Is it just me, or has Morgan Freeman looked 80 years old for the past 20 years?

21. What's sadder: the fact that he doesn't know how to spell warrior, or that he doesn't have any friends that care enough to save him from his ignorance?




22. How do colorblind people know which Jelly Belly flavor they're eating?

23. Shouldn't Destiny's Child have been Destiny's Children? What does Destiny's Child even mean?

24. Am I the only one that has seen enough episodes of The Wire to make the decision to never set foot in Baltimore?

25. Why are none of the judges on America's Got Talent from America?



26. How the heck did he do this?



27. This video is cool and all, but check out the move at 1:53 ... he's stuck huh? #CountChoculaLaugh



28. You think the Trix rabbit might lose it one day? I mean, they can't spare ONE BOWL of Trix?



29. When is Bugs Bunny going to press charges on Elmer Fudd? I mean, he's trying to murder him...

30. Does this qualify as "mood music"?



31. Is it just me, or are Disney's female cartoon characters a little smutty-looking? Why are they so curvaceous?







32. Do people ever realize that when you try to hard, you just end up looking foolish? Like, for example, this woman who is acting like she's on the computer even though her mouse is upside-down?



33. How can a company get away with buying the billboard sitting in their competitor's parking lot (this is right outside my house, I #CountChoculaGuffawed)?



34. How many recalls will it take before Taco Bell loses customers?

35. What do rich people buy when they just have too much money?



36. I found out what planking was. Does the popularity of this incredibly simple and idiotic ritual mean that original thought and independent thinking are officially endangered species?



37. Does the fact that Xzibit agrees with my stance on planking devalue my point? Be honest.



38. What happens if I only have 40 questions for the world? Is that false advertising?

39. Is there a race on this planet that HASN'T tried to exterminate the Jews?

39. Although I'm happy he's serving the Lord, when T.K. was the rough and tumble loverboy on 'The Parent Hood', did he think ten years later this is what his career would be?



40. Why is religion such a divisive topic?



41. Did our teachers tell us to doublecheck our work to prevent us from making horrible mistakes later?



42. Who was it?




43. No seriously, who was it?!



44. Why do people ignore the fact that Jared WALKED to Subway every day before he ate the sandwich? Do they real think the salami sub with chips and cookies is the path to lower cholesterol?

45. How much do you have to suck as a President for people to throw shoes at you?



46. Did that guy expect to get his shoes back?

47. Has a single actor or actress from The Jamie Foxx show had another gig since it ended?

48. Why does no one find it odd that Kelsey Grammer is the creator of 'Girlfriends' and 'The Game'? If Diddy was in charge of Telemundo, would he get the same support?

49. Does Bob Johnson think he pulled one over on us by buying an NBA team and naming it the Bobcats? Does he REALLY think we missed that one?

50. Why do people pay $200 to dress like this man?